Snowflakes
by InfinityAndOne
Summary: [One-Shot] It's Christmas. It should be a happy time but for Ethan, it's his first Christmas without Cal.


_This was written, in part, before the episode that aired on the 23 December so it discounts everything that happens in that episode. It's not very good but I hope you enjoy!_

Snowflakes

"Morning, Ethan," Charlie says brightly from behind him as he approaches.

Ethan keeps his eyes focused on the screen in front of him, which currently displays his current patient's information. "Good morning, Charlie," he mutters in response, not willing to have a conversation when he's trying to just get through the day at the least.

Charlie seems to want otherwise. "You got convinced into doing the Christmas shift to, then?" Ethan can hear the smile in Charlie's voice, but can't bring himself to smile too. "Unlucky."

Ethan shakes his head. "No, actually, I volunteered."

Charlie pauses, Ethan guesses out of shock because no-one volunteers to do the Christmas shift. "You volunteered? To do the Christmas shift?" He laughs. "Now that is some dedication to the craft."

Ethan sighs, wishing he could be less rude to Charlie but not knowing of another way. "I'm sorry Charlie, I am rather busy at the moment."

"Right, yes." Ethan notices the way his voice has diminished in happiness and immediately feels bad. "I'll leave you to it then."

* * *

Ethan has his arms crossed in front of him, leaning on them desparingly. The emergency department noises are muffled by the shut staffroom door and the staffroom is empty apart from him, so he gets some peace after a particularly hard case involving two brothers. Throughout dealing with them, Ethan was constantly thinking of his own brother. Even down to the way they disagreed - it reminded him so much of Cal's and his arguments that, in the long run, was too petty to ever matter. They just wasted precious seconds and minutes of life that they could have spent being happy with each other. All that time they weren't talking or on bad terms, ultimately useless because that time wasn't made back up with decades more of happy memories.

He can never make any more happy memories with Cal because he's dead and Ethan will never see him again. And that hurts him, so much. And now, at Christmas, Ethan spends it alone because Cal isn't here to spend it with him. He looked around, occasionally, at the hustle and bustle of the department. People chat happily with each other, smile and laugh and talk about Christmas and family. Patients have Christmas jumpers on, or tinsel wrapped around them. He sees Christmas all around him but can find no joy in it. His first Christmas without Cal and he's feeling almost as raw as he did when he first found out about his brother's death.

It's been eight months, he supposes he should be over it by now. And in the majority, he is. The feelings sometimes resurface and he can't stop years of the thinking pattern that weaves Cal into his mind, but he's living his life to make Cal proud of him, to do things Cal never got to do before he died. He's living for the good of Cal, and not in the dark because of what happened. And at the least, to repay a debt he can never fully make up - Cal saving his life by giving his own.

But at a time Ethan has always considered for family and happiness, he can feel none of the latter because he has none of the former left anymore. Christmas, while a joyful time, always reminds him of the people he's lost. Whether it be by death or just loss of contact, he always thinks of them. His father and his mothers, all his friends he's lost contact with over the years, little Matilda, Arthur, and now another name to add to the list: his big brother.

Losing people really sucks, and Ethan supposes he knows quite a lot about that. But the worst thing is it never gets easier. It might even get harder to lose people, to slowly watch everyone you've ever loved dissolve into nothingness.

So Ethan wouldn't say he hates Christmas, but he wishes it would just be over fast so he can forget about everyone he's lost and look at everyone else having people.

The door to the staffroom creaks open like the person on the other side was being careful, but Ethan doesn't care enough about it to raise his head. Well, that is until the person clears their throat and says Ethan's name. Slowly, Ethan looks up to see Charlie stood in the staffroom doorway.

Guessing what Charlie is going to say, Ethan apologises before he can. "Sorry Charlie. I'll be out in a second, I just… needed a moment."

Charlie dismisses it, "it's okay. I just came in here to tell you there's been an accident on the motorway, 4 critical and St James' has diverted to us because they're already packed."

Ethan nods, sighing. "I'm coming." He doesn't move though, knowing he's got a few more precious minutes he can spend in silence before being thrown into the jaws of the shark.

And Charlie doesn't move either, well not to go outside. He sits beside Ethan instead, adopting the look Ethan knows all too well as being the 'caring father figure' look. He knows the conversation to come but isn't quite sure he actually wants it.

"Are you thinking about Cal?"

Ethan debates lying, debates telling him he's just tired, but he knows Charlie's only asking to be kind and not because he's not actually sure. Charlie always knows. "Yeah," he said heavily. "First Christmas without him..."

"Is that why you volunteered to do this shift?"

Nodding, Ethan says, "I didn't particularly fancy sitting at home by myself with daytime Christmas TV specials and no Caleb."

Charlie looks at him seriously but comfortingly. "It won't always be like this, next year it will be easier."

"That doesn't help me this year though, does it?" he mutters. "We, um, better get out there," he says, knowing he shouldn't have gotten into this conversation. He wasn't ready for it and he didn't realise.

"You're right, come on."

* * *

Ethan shuts his locker without being gentle, eyes straying over to what was once Cal's locker. He sighs, not prepared to go home yet.

"Well that was hectic," Charlie laughs as he walks into the staffroom. Ethan shrugs, agreeing but too tired to engage in conversation about the day they've both just had. "You coming to the pub?"

He'd forgotten about that - some of the staff were going to the pub after work and Ethan had been invited along. He'd declined, saying he had revision to do for the next part of his exams, but knowing that celebrating Christmas wouldn't feel right without Cal.

"I'll give it a miss, revision calls."

Charlie steps closer to him. "You wouldn't be betraying him or disrespecting him if you had fun, you know."

Ethan wonders how Charlie guessed that, but he soon answers that too.

"I know the feeling. Unsurprisingly after nearly 70 years I've had many Christmasses without the people I love."

Leaning back on the lockers, Ethan says, "I'll only bring everyone down. I can't just not think of everyone I've lost when everyone still has family around them and talks about them all the time."

Charlie smiles. "Oh, Ethan," he sighs. "After nearly 4 years of being here and you still haven't learnt. _We're_ your family. One big emergency department family."

Ethan doesn't know what to say to that, so he stays silent.

"Come on, you. Pub. I'm buying the first round."

* * *

As Ethan walks into the pub, the first thing he notices is how _warm_ it is. Unnecessary for him to think about it but walking into the pub was like hitting a wall of heat in comparison to the outside. But then, he realises, there's another kind of warmth in there. The staff, his friends... his _family_ are talking and smiling. There's a Christmas tree and tinsel and _Let it Snow_ it playing out of the speakers. That warmth is almost enough to rival the physical warmth of the radiators.

Charlie walks in behind him and pats his shoulder encouragingly. "Cal would want you to enjoy yourself," he says quietly.

Ethan nods, knowing that if Cal was here he'd be encouraging just that. Charlie tells him he'll grab them both a drink so Ethan sits down near a wall, head on the palm of his hand. He observes the life in the pub and finds himself smiling at everyone. Some people are tackling songs, singing them. Some others are enjoying watching them. Some are talking and laughing. It's quite nice.

"Here."

"Thanks, Charlie," Ethan says, sipping it. He diverts his eyes, feeling a little out of his comfort zone. "And not just for the drink."

"Don't mention it, Ethan. It's what family is for."

Ethan smiles at that and they sit in a comfortable silence for a while until the rest of the staff arrive, having been the ones to finish up and handover.

He glances out of the window by chance and suddenly realises what's going on. "It's snowing," Ethan whispers to himself. Little snowflakes are gently dancing around in the air, illuminated by the streetlamps dotted around. The snow is glistening, settling as it falls. A tiny part of Ethan, while his own philosophy debates the possibility, hopes that Cal is the cause of it. Somehow, his big brother is making it snow, just for Ethan.

Charlie gets up and unlike Ethan expects, it's not to buy any drinks. He stands by the bar where everyone can see him and gives Ethan a small smile. Everyone goes silent. "To Cal," Charlie says as he raises his glass in a toast. "Even though he can't be here in person, he's still in our hearts."

Everyone smiled and echoed the nickname, apart from Ethan. "To Caleb," he murmured to himself. He glanced outside again. "Happy Christmas, Cal."


End file.
